Emotions are interesting. For me, it has been quite the journey to unlock, control, and accept them. As a teenager, I was always so focused on my goals that I saw showing my emotions as a sign of weakness.
When I joined my first ballet company, one of my coworkers thought I was a cold and emotionless bun-head because I was so quiet, rarely showed feelings, and focused everything on my skills. Then came our tour to Spain…Spain has a lot of ham. One day, we were trying to find a place to eat while most shops and cafes were closed for siesta. The one place open nearby was only serving ham sandwiches. It had been about 3+ years since I ate ham, but a girl’s got to eat, so I gave it a try and it didn’t seem so bad. Flash forward 2 hours after taking the train to Barcelona. When we arrived, my stomach began to cause me a lot of pain. It was so bad that I could barely stand up and yes, I began to cry in the middle of crowded downtown Barcelona. This was the first time that coworker saw me cry and till this day she claims it is the moment she realized I was a real human with a soul. (We’ve been best friends ever since)
I am much more open with my emotions these days. Yesterday, in the middle of yoga, I had a complete meltdown. I went into the hot room as I usually did ready and hydrated for class, but as soon as we hit the floor, I was flooded with emotions. Emotions I could not handle. My heart hurt, the heat was annoying me, and my muscles were so fatigued they began jittering. What was going on? I was thinking, hold it together, finish your practice, you’ll be fine. My body had another plan though and released the floodgates. I felt so emotional that I couldn’t physically do the postures and had to sit some out. The teacher asked if I was ok and of course I replied yes, but I wasn’t and have no clue why. Maybe I was just being a girl, and letting go some of the stuff in my heart? Maybe it was my emotions from the night before finally letting themselves out? Maybe it was because I didn’t get the same sleep I usually do? All I know is I let it happen. I laid there and cried and took deep breaths and let the feelings run their course. Then I rejoined the class for the final few postures. Guess what, I felt so much better after! I think it was just stuff that needed to come out.
My emotions often come out at odd times, like the ham incident. I mean really? I cried over ham? haha Sometimes it is hard to decipher when to show your emotions and when to hold them in and be tough. People may judge you or you may feel vulnerable. However, I believe it is perfectly fine to show how you feel, when you feel it. It will only allow you to go through life more truthfully and open 🙂
Kaia and I. Thanks to that ham sandwich for bringing out my emotions and giving me this best friend 🙂
I recently came across a daily prompt asking, “What’s the one luxury you can’t live without?”
Well, I tend to travel and move a lot and I made many friends and have loved ones all over the world, so my answer today would have to be technology and the internet. I simply cannot live without it. My family and friends mean a lot to me and I feel it is extremely important to remain connected and in contact with them quite often. Throughout my life I have lived in New Jersey, Massachusetts, Illinios, and now Utah. I have also spent long amounts of time touring around the US and Europe with the ballet companies I have danced with. While I am away, I use the internet to talk with the people I love and to also stay up to date on news, weather, and events. I also use the internet as a tool to share my experiences with everyone I know. I really value the ability to go on Skype and talk with my family, and friends. Often times, when people travel, they lose contact with so many people in their lives. However, when I care for someone, I never want to lose contact with them and I use the internet and technology as a tool for keeping my connections alive.
My move is fast approaching. I have just under 48 hours left here in Chicago and so much to do within them. I am feeling anxious, happy, sad, stressed, a whole mixed bag of emotions. For the most part, I am strongly anticipating the move and starting new projects. However, my last few weeks in Chicago have turned out to be some of the best I have had so I am getting sad to leave that. I feel good, happy, and healthy. I have also found that these feelings have all made my dancing stronger, or maybe it is my dancing that is making these feelings more prominent? Either way, I feel great 🙂 I have reconnected with old friends, made some new, worked with new teachers who have helped push me to another level, and had an awesome photo shoot recently (photos coming soon 🙂 ). I couldn’t be happier that my time in Chicago has come to a close this way. I am so grateful for everyone in my life, especially those who are truly there for me. These next 48 hours should be wonderful. Full of dancing, friends, family, food, fun, and Chicago 🙂 I have a feeling I probably won’t be sleeping much this weekend HAHA
I’ll leave you this morning with some photos that were sent to me yesterday. They are pictures of me performing George Balanchine’s Stravinsky Violin Concerto (Aria II). It was a special ballet because it was my first principal role, as well as my partner’s, Dylan Gutierrez. We were very young and so hungry to succeed, yet somehow managed to have loads of fun throughout the entire process 🙂
I am writing a brief post this morning because as I am packing up my apartment, I am finding many memories and becoming quite nostalgic. It amazes me how much can slip our minds in such a short amount of time. Our days go by so quickly, our thoughts and goals constantly changing and evolving, and in the bustle so many great memories get pushed to the recesses of our minds, only to be stirred back to consciousness when we come across an old letter or a slightly wrinkled photo from years gone by. I have 5 days left and I am getting a little sad to leave Chicago now. I know there is so much to look forward to in the near future, but right now, seeing all these memories and packing them up is bringing up a lot of emotions.
I’ve been trying to find time to see all of my Chicago friends one last time before I leave. Last night I had the pleasure of having dinner with one of them. I think he hit the nail on the head when he said that last year I seemed like a big ball of yarn and now it’s as if I have unraveled, opened up, and can more clearly see where I want to go and what I want to do. I still have a long way to go, but I have to say I agree with him: I’m more of an individual now. I can stand on my own, and I have new and exciting goals I’m striving for.
I’m sure the next five days will be filled with more reminiscing, but ultimately, a look at memories is really a celebration, of my past but even more so of new things coming in the future. 🙂