Ham. It’s just ham.

Emotions are interesting. For me, it has been quite the journey to unlock, control, and accept them. As a teenager, I was always so focused on my goals that I saw showing my emotions as a sign of weakness.

When I joined my first ballet company, one of my coworkers thought I was a cold and emotionless bun-head because I was so quiet, rarely showed feelings, and focused everything on my skills. Then came our tour to Spain…Spain has a lot of ham. One day, we were trying to find a place to eat while most shops and cafes were closed for siesta. The one place open nearby was only serving ham sandwiches. It had been about 3+ years since I ate ham, but a girl’s got to eat, so I gave it a try and it didn’t seem so bad. Flash forward 2 hours after taking the train to Barcelona. When we arrived, my stomach began to cause me a lot of pain. It was so bad that I could barely stand up and yes, I began to cry in the middle of crowded downtown Barcelona. This was the first time that coworker saw me cry and till this day she claims it is the moment she realized I was a real human with a soul. (We’ve been best friends ever since)

I am much more open with my emotions these days. Yesterday, in the middle of yoga, I had a complete meltdown. I went into the hot room as I usually did ready and hydrated for class, but as soon as we hit the floor, I was flooded with emotions. Emotions I could not handle. My heart hurt, the heat was annoying me, and my muscles were so fatigued they began jittering. What was going on? I was thinking, hold it together, finish your practice, you’ll be fine. My body had another plan though and released the floodgates. I felt so emotional that I couldn’t physically do the postures and had to sit some out. The teacher asked if I was ok and of course I replied yes, but I wasn’t and have no clue why. Maybe I was just being a girl, and letting go some of the stuff in my heart? Maybe it was my emotions from the night before finally letting themselves out? Maybe it was because I didn’t get the same sleep I usually do? All I know is I let it happen. I laid there and cried and took deep breaths and let the feelings run their course. Then I rejoined the class for the final few postures. Guess what, I felt so much better after! I think it was just stuff that needed to come out.

My emotions often come out at odd times, like the ham incident. I mean really? I cried over ham? haha Sometimes it is hard to decipher when to show your emotions and when to hold them in and be tough. People may judge you or you may feel vulnerable. However, I believe it is perfectly fine to show how you feel, when you feel it. It will only allow you to go through life more truthfully and open πŸ™‚

 

Kaia and I. Thanks to that ham sandwich for bringing me this best friend :)

Kaia and I. Thanks to that ham sandwich for bringing out my emotions and giving me this best friend πŸ™‚

 

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What I Miss Most

I first left home when I was 13. At a young age, I was set on becoming a professional ballet dancer and wanted to do anything in order to achieve that dream. I was really attached to my family and they were all shocked when I decided to move away. (confession: I was also afraid of the dark and would not sleep in a room alone) Well, off I went. I spent three years at The Walnut Hill School for the arts in Natick, MA. Β After Walnut Hill, I returned home to dance in NYC for a few years before moving to Chicago. Now, I am spending this year partially in NY, partially in Salt Lake City with Ballet West, and some time in LA with The Barak Ballet.

The whole time I am away, it is my family that I miss the most. Time differences and busy schedules have proven difficult to be able to communicate as much as I would like. Β I am so fortunate to have a large, loving, supportive, honest, and caring family and being away from them all is hard. It becomes most apparent after returning home. I notice every little change that occurs during my absence. For example, how my nephews grow at what appears to be hyper speed. I feel like I am missing so much. I would love to settle closer to home however traveling so much has allowed me to develop my true nature and the person I am. Β I have discovered how independent I am and how much I crave adventure, meeting new people, absorbing my surroundings, and learning new things.

I look forward to this coming Friday when I get to see my family again and share love, stories, Β and photos from our time apart πŸ™‚

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